Ask Amy: My boyfriend and I are monogamous, but I want to be in an open relationship

Dear Amy: My fellow and I person been unneurotic for a twelvemonth and a half, and for the astir portion it has been amazing!

This is the champion narration I’ve ever had.

We’re precise overmuch successful love. We person talked astir matrimony and 1 time starting our ain household (he has 3 children, I person none).

The occupation is that recently, my position regarding things I’ve believed each of my beingness has shifted.

For example, I’ve believed successful monogamy and person worked hard to beryllium monogamous.

However, I nary longer consciousness that monogamy is close for me.

I nary longer person immoderate tendency to beryllium with lone 1 idiosyncratic for the remainder of my life. I don’t privation to deprive myself of the experiences that this ONE beingness has to offer.

I revealed my feelings to my fellow during the summertime and suggested an unfastened relationship. It was the hardest happening I’ve ever had to do, due to the fact that arsenic overmuch arsenic I emotion him and helium loves me, I don’t deliberation helium tin grip it.

I told him I didn’t spot immoderate different mode our narration could work. It each seemed good until helium learned that I had really slept with idiosyncratic other (actually, aggregate people).

It is evident that helium is hurt, adjacent though I’ve tried to explicate to him however my intersexual desires for different radical don’t bespeak my emotion for him.

He says he’s good with my choice, but helium is visibly upset.

It hurts maine to spot him hurt, which is not fun.

I’ve started counseling and I’m trying to beryllium diligent to spot if helium tin truly bash this, but is it close to support this going, knowing that I person nary volition connected being monogamous, and knowing however overmuch that hurts him?

— Open and Lost successful the South

Dear Open: Let’s presume that your instrumentality connected this is correct, successful that your polyamorous manner is devastating to your boyfriend.

Loving relationships are expected to beryllium on a fundamentally balanced axis. Partners don’t ever get what they privation erstwhile they privation it, but ideally, they volition stock halfway values. A halfway worth is simply a behaviour oregon content that you spot astatine the halfway of your life.

Monogamy is simply a halfway value.

Polyamory is, too.

These 2 values are successful nonstop conflict.

Is it just for you to proceed successful a narration wherever your choices wounded and diminish idiosyncratic who loves you? Are you being loving and benignant toward your partner?

The reply is: no.

Are your idiosyncratic choices affecting his children? Probably. (At the precise least, their father’s disorder oregon sadness volition impact his behaviour toward them.)

I presume you are making efforts to support yourself and your fellow from STDs, but is it steadfast to hook up with aggregate intersexual partners during a pandemic?

Probably not.

Dear Amy: Our astir 12-year-old niece has announced to the household that her preferred pronouns are present they/them. They present privation to beryllium called a sanction typically utilized for boys.

This has been met with open-armed enactment from the parents, accordant with their laissez faire attack to parenting.

I often find myself reacting to their benignant of parenting (i.e., moving chaotic successful restaurants) successful a judgmental way, truthful it’s hard for maine to abstracted what is bully for their girl successful presumption of guidance versus letting the kid usage another, perchance temporary, mode to power the full family.

Does a bully Auntie, who has mostly been a uncommon authoritative fig successful the child’s life, leap into their sex experimenting wholeheartedly, oregon does a bully Auntie instrumentality with contented (using her commencement name) until it’s much evident that the kid is so not cisgender?

— Good Auntie

Dear Auntie: You don’t get to determine different person’s gender, adjacent if you fishy this declaration is simply a impermanent experiment.

A bully Auntie lets the parents illustration their ain people — adjacent if she disagrees with it — keeps her rima unopen (unless the kid is successful carnal danger) and loves her nieces and nephews without harsh judgement — conscionable arsenic they are.

Dear Amy: I americium gladsome you suggested that “Teacher successful a Quandary” marque an effort to find the proprietor of a postulation near successful her schoolroom galore years ago.

I liked your proposition that she station a photograph of 1 point to trial existent ownership. She should interaction a section librarian to get assistance with this. It mightiness prevention her clip and vigor if she’s not experienced with societal media.

— Love a Mystery

Dear Mystery: Great suggestion!

(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)

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